On Tour: One Bastard, One Studnut, One Vegan

On the scale of things, three gigs is hardly a tour, but it certainly provides a good excuse for a holiday.

Last week we played Auckland, Hamilton and Wellington. We drove up the desert road in the CL Bob van which takes the much coveted prize for leg room. For an eight hour journey the ride north was the most enjoyable I've ever had on the desert road; a full moon, clear skies, the mountains in the distance. David reckoned the orange band round the horizon was probably coming from the Sydney bushfires.

Outside Ohakea airforce base we stopped for an interview with Bfm, who were very genial despite admitting they don't know much about Wellington bands. I filled them in.

We arrived in Ak at 5.30am and woke up our friend Ben who shows us our rooms - rooms! What luxury.

The next day we have time to kill so we go to Kelly Tarltons underwater world. The cost is a whopping $25 but I wave my arms in the air saying 'Look at me! I'm a waif!' and the receptionist kindly discounts it to the student rate of $18. Once inside I remember that I shoulda brought a camcorder for the sharks and so forth and the eternal Marineville video. We see loads of piranhas and other mean looking marinelife in small tanks. Geoff says 'With friends like these who needs anemonies?'

Back in the foyer, I take a photo of a Japanese tourist taking a photo of their friend doing some videotaping whilst Geoff pretends to be posing for a photo in front of them that I am not taking of him but rather of them.

That night we play the Dogsbollix. No soundcheck and only a vocal PA, but Connor is an excellent host giving us free beer. We play with Salon Kingsadore featuring old pal John Howell from Dunedin on gtr. They project 'The Good, The Bad and the Ugly' on to a backdrop whilst rattling through some pretty cool surf-Morricone instrumentals. MarineVille are pretty ragged and raucous but I think spirited. My vocal foldback monitors are not turned on. Geoff and David think we were a bit crap, which is all grist for the mill when convincing Geoff about the merits of drinking and drumming. We drink til closing then attack Ak's clublife. This is always the bit where Geoff gets to regale everyone about me dancing to bad house music all night. Which I admit, I like to do.

The next day we arrive in Hamilton to discover Burgerfuel. As connoisseurs of the patty and bun combo, this causes great excitement for Geoff and David. Normally on entering any new town, David is always the first to spot the giant neon 'BK' in the sky, rousing Geoff from his back seat slumber with exultant shouts of "Look Geoff! It's the King!" Burgerfuel however, is really taking it the next level, making beef patties bigger than yr arm and adding new treats like ... mango chutney.

The burgers all have wacky names so when the waitress eventually wanders around yelling "A BASTARD? ONE BASTARD?" David goes 'Yep'. Then 'A STUDNUT? ONE STUDNUT?' and Geoff says 'over here'. I get "THE VEGAN" which takes no prizes. The waitress asks 'Now, do you know how to use your DOOFER?' Nope. She shows us how to fold a specially designed piece of cardboard with the
word 'DOOFER' written on to it, which neatly fits together into a patent-pending burger-holding juice and saucing-catching uh, thing. I guess you're meant to eat the burger and then lick the sauce off the cardboard at the end, kind of like dessert.

Did you know Hamilton is now the fourth biggest city in New Zealand?

The DOOFER - What next for Hamil-tron?

Ward Lane in Hamilton is run by a guy called John who wears a thick gold chain round his neck and seems to be sugar-daddying a bored-looking brunette at the bar. She finishes her drink, hands it to John who refills it and he passes it back. These days John is more into 21sts, weddings and such like and last week asked me 'Whaddya wanna play here for?!'

Geoff has the offer of a chipboard drum riser for the first time ever, all 6 inches of it ,and says he must have it. We play a real rocker and I think the band is faster than ever. Maybe too fast on some songs? David's bass playing is really humming along. The crowd is small but appreciative. Playing in Hamilton is easy. Nodrog plays a solo set but I'm too busy on the door. The Hollow Grinders are incredible. I've never heard surf sound so good, and Stan plays some amazing guitar. So, a great night. Afterwards we go back to Stan's house and sit around the kitchen table with Stan's flatmate Paul, who tell us about how they used to be in a band with that guy Dolf from the Datsuns. 'Shoulda let 'im sing, eh?' says Paul.

The next morning we trawl the main street of Hamilton looking for breakfast and by a force of nature bigger than you or I, are drawn, naturally, back to Burgerfuel. We all order something different but once again, we all get the DOOFER which takes pride of place on our dashboard.

We drive back in the daytine Sunday and pass a flower shop called 'Every Blooming Thing'. I suggest a surgical supplies shop called 'Every Bloody Thing'. Geoff muses on the possibility of a sex shop called 'Every Fucking Thing'.

We eventually make it home after one more stop at BK.

Saturday following we play the new Bodega with Mestar. We show up for soundcheck and it seems Fraser has changed the locks and not told anyone. We eventually get in at 5.30 but don't get to soundcheck because a couple of old pissheads at the bar keep complaining about the noise. Luckily we play a real rocker and the bar staff are cool. The band is really humming, and so it all seems a worthwhile trip before we continuing recording over Xmas.

POSTED BY Mark ON 13 December 2002